The Land of Cheerful Page 3 Girls

Yesterday was my first ever trip to Essex in my time here in the UK, so it was with some excitement that I gazed out of the window as we exited the M25 to the unseen territory east of the metropolis. I know that you are not supposed to get excited about going to Essex. Travelling anywhere new, and I mean anywhere, always brings a smile to my face, though.

For my American readers I should explain that Essex has a bit of a reputation as a county. Spitting Image once described it as "where page 3 girls buy their mum a bungalow." Sort of like New Jersey without the toxic waste or the organised crime. Some of my best friends are from New Jersey, though, so I came with an open mind, and eyes peeled for any page 3 girls on the loose.

After a four hour journey the coach pulled into sunny Melbourne Park, home of Chelmsford City FC. One thing that was immediately noticeable: whereas many club grounds are called 'Park,' in this case the name was literally true. On the approaching road there was a very inviting and enormous expanse of parkland, tapering off into a cluster of shiny municipal-looking buildings around a running track and a football pitch. That cluster is Melbourne Park.

I had two initial impressions upon entering the ground. The first was that everyone was extraordinarily friendly. The turnstile man, the program sellers and the lucky-draw ticket sellers all seemed genuinely pleased to welcome me to the match in a way that was almost, well, American (I mean that in a good way). The second impression I had was that I felt a bit unsure what was going on. Everyone was milling around an open area outside the clubhouse but it wasn't at all clear where to stand to watch the match. There was a maze of temporary fences between me and the pitch and it was not obvious where my standing ticket allowed me to stand. I decided not to worry about it, though, and milled around with everyone else.

I did not get to mill around by myself for long, though, before a Chelmsford fan made a bee-line for me and started asking me about my journey from the west country. As I was wearing my replica Bath City kit I stood out at a distance. It took me a bit off guard, to be honest. Non-league fans have a natural camaraderie, but no one had ever sought me out for conversation at any other ground. As an American I'm much more used to being the one being forward. Tim, as I later found out, has been following Chelmsford all his life and gave me a quick summary of the club's history. Having lost their ground in 1997 they had been forced to ground share for nine years until after an agreement with the local council they were allowed to locate themselves in this corner of Melbourne Park. Both the club and the council have spent a lot of money fixing the place up, and despite a few drawbacks, Tim was very happy his club had its own home again. Like most Chelmsford fans, he was also proud of the club's tradition of good support. Judging from the streams of people in claret tops filing into the ground I had agree he had reason to be proud. The attendance for the day was officially 1,216 - almost 400 more than the next highest match in our league on the day. We swapped our expectations for the season ahead (he seemed sure we were destined for a top ten finish, but that was before he had seen our keeper in action), and wished each other well.

The Bath City players arrived at the ground during my talk with Tim, seriously delayed by bad traffic on the M25. They must have hurried through their dressing room routines because they were out on the pitch a few minutes later. Players access the pitch by a accordion-style tunnel that is pulled from the side of the clubhouse across the eight-lane running track. It seemed curious, but I am sure Conference rules require a separate access to the pitch for the players. In order to make this work, though, more temporary fences come into play to cordon off that corner of the track. This cuts off the access for the fans between the clubhouse and the main stand. This caused a huge bottleneck at the end of the match.

I wandered over to a section of fencing to watch Bath City warm up. Again, within moments of being alone again I was approached by a friendly chap I have now identified from the program as Rob Hill. Rob carried a walkie-talkie and appeared to be in charge of operations for this part of the ground. I had a similar conversation as I had with Tim but Rob was able to shed more light on Chelmsford's finances as he identified himself as one of the 147 owners of the club. In a nutshell, Chelmsford is now very well financed but last year they spent way too much on players who failed to produce when it counted. More than one player was on £900 a match, which is astronomical for step-two of non-league. At the end of last season the manager let go of most of the old guard and they have been replaced by younger, cheaper players. The strategy is to focus the funds on infrastructure improvements to the ground rather than expensive players. A new £1m stand was in the works. My main impression of this exchange, though, was that Rob seemed as pleased as could be that I was there. He had a welcoming, friendly smile beaming from his face whenever I saw him during the course of the match. He's got the same smile in his program picture. I asked Rob about the ground, especially the distance spectators are from the pitch. He said it was not perfect, but it was what they had. They were going to make the best of it. They certainly were trying hard from what I saw.

Once the match was nearly underway the series of temporary fences were opened up and the Bath City fans gathered behind the goal City would be attacking. Sticking with the temporary theme, there was even a portable terrace installed for our benefit. There were Chelmsford fans on the other three sides. The main stand was separated by not only the eight lanes of the track, but also a long jump arena. It almost looked as if this stand had been built for something else but as it was possible to see the pitch from it the Chelmsford faithful might as well make use of it. Along our right were a few rows of (temporary?) seats up against the side of a municipal building, running the length of the pitch. Opposite us, on a similar temporary terrace, several hundred Chelmsford fans were packed in. It is perhaps one of the few grounds in our league where the view behind the goals is as good as anywhere else.

At the interval I had two more Chelmsford fans approach me and make conversation. Not just a passing comment. They really wanted to talk. Again, in America this might be normal but I have sort of lost the knack of it after ten years in Blighty. Still, I was happy for the opportunity and I did my best not to seem like a dumb American who doesn't really understand soccer yet. It was at this point I got a good view of the extraordinarily tough looking stewards Chelmsford employs. I have no doubt they spend their evenings successfully controlling the crowds outside Essex's most popular night clubs. They seemed a little out of place in such a friendly, peaceful environment. True to the club's form, though, they still smiled and seemed happy to be out at the football.

As the second half was drawing to a close several Chelmsford fans made for the exits. It seemed very odd because the match was still in the balance and it seemed unlikely that traffic would be a problem after the match. The reason became evident, though, when the players left the pitch and the tunnel was extended, cutting off the exits for 500 or so Claret fans for ten minutes. Not good if you've been holding it in. When they did get free, though, they had access to one of the spiffiest looking clubhouses around. Non-league only in name.

I hated seeing Bath City lose, but I did come away feeling lucky to be a non-league fan. The hostility and intimidation that go along with being an away supporter at league matches was nowhere to be seen. This is usually the case at all of our away matches (okay, except maybe Newport County), but I think the Chelmsford fans are special. There is a big difference between being polite and greeting complete strangers like old friends as they did. I count myself unlucky that I saw no page 3 girls, but I have decided that the general judgement of Essex is unfair. Anywhere that cheerful has a lot going for it.

In fact, I think the people of Chelmsford would find life in America a very easy adjustment. You can chat up complete strangers there all you like and no one will bat an eyelid. If anyone is applying for a green card and needs a reference, let me know.

(You can get a bird's-eye-view of Melbourne Park by adjusting the Google Map below)


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