Dads Army, part one

Bachelors - watch out! Fatherhood has gone all modern and you will be expected to do things your father probably only had a vague understanding of: cleaning, cooking, childcare, the list goes on. You will still be required to work full time, and because you are not likely to be any good at cleaning or cooking you won't get full credit for your efforts there. As it turns out, spending enough time with your kids to know their names is a good thing. Still, all of this leaves precious little time for your own independent social life. To have one you will need a lot of organisation and planning, and if you are a normal guy you probably aren't really good at organising and planning in your free time. Make sure you have Sky. And don't worry, your wife will still organise the occasional social event for you to attend with her friends (and their husbands, of course).

This sad sounding pattern is what happened to me without me really realising, and has happened to most of the guys I know (for most of the guys I know please read 'the husbands of my wife's friends and fathers of the kids my kids are in school with). It sounds much worse than it is because home life as a father is probably the best thing in the world, even if you are expected to hoover. Before long, though, it is easy to find yourself not ever going out on your own unless it is a work event. What's a modern male to do to fix this? Me, I go to Bath City football matches.

There is a strange emotional chemistry in the minds of wives at play here that I do not begin to understand, but will still do my best to explain. Although wives are keen for their husbands to contribute more to all things domestic, they also have a very slight, low intensity guilt about the withering of their husband's social lives. Do not ask them directly about this - they will deny it. But in off-guard moments, talking amongst themselves, you can detect just a slight trace of concern about yet another night spent in front of the telly watching Masterchef. They think to themselves, 'maybe it would be best if he was out on his own from time to time.' This is the time to strike.

My friend Mark and I have a system. When I want to go to a match I say, 'you know, it would really be good for Mark I think if we went to the match together Tuesday night. He seemed a bit glum when I saw him last weekend.' He says to his wife, 'Ned wants to go to the match but is worried about going by himself. I really need to go with him.' It works!

The next step in the liberation of the fathers of the world was to try this on a larger scale. I set myself the goal of bringing twenty fellow dads to the home opener of the Bath City season against Maidenhead United this past Tuesday night. I called and emailed everyone in my older son's class whether I knew them or not. Although a bit surprised by the offer, most of my fellow fathers showed a lot of enthusiasm. There were two typical responses. If I got the husband on the phone he would say, 'I think that is okay. I'll just make sure my wife hasn't got plans for us that evening.' (!!!!) Or, if I got the wife on the phone she would say, 'How thoughtful of you to think of him. I'll try to make sure he comes. It sounds like a great idea for you all to go out together.' (!!!!!!!!!!) In total I had 16 positive responses, not counting four who wanted to come but were on holiday.

Okay, we are guys, and true to form several people dropped out at the last moment. In the end there were nine of us who gathered in front of my son's primary school (I had to choose somewhere we all knew the location of). All of us knew at least one other person in the group, but none of knew everyone. Four of us had been to City matches before (Mark and I being regulars and two had been once), but most had only vague ideas of what a non-league match would be like. One person was quite upfront about not really liking football and just coming along for the experience. We piled into our cars and set off for sunny Twerton.

Because everyone had unexpectedly arrived at our gathering point on time (what has happened to our manhood!), we arrived at the ground much earlier than I expected. Thinking on my feet, I suggested we all go in to Charlie's for a pint. There was a slight pause after I suggested this, like it was some sort of dare or something, but we all piled in and started getting pints of stout.

More on what happened next to follow tomorrow!