How to Torture Yourself Online

After getting to watch the first three matches of the season live and in person, it was difficult to adjust to the reality that I would have to miss tonight's match anainst Havant & Waterloooville FC. I knew absolutely I would not be able to go, but I still sneaked a look at the train times from Bath to Havant, and checked on Google Maps to see how far the ground was from the train station (1.4 miles - a 27 minute walk it told me). The truth, though, is that Mrs Nedved needed me at home tonight to put the kids to bed while she attended a committee meeting. With all of the grown-up commitments I have these days I can't really expect to go to every match. That's what I tell myself, anyway.

Fortunately, thanks to the 'information super-highway' I can get a steady stream of live updates as they happen from the ground. This is mostly due to fellow fan 'Sean,' who runs a website called 'www.cityupdates.co.uk.' The website uses a very simple, but elegant concept. Sean attends the matches with his super-duper mobile phone which can access the Internet and adds lines of text to the sites page as the game progresses. In the past, as many as seventy-nine people around the world have been hanging onto every word Sean types in, so it is quite a responsibility.

The other website I always have up when I'm not at a match is the Non League Vidiprinter. This amazing website, which is based on the BBC's 'vidiprinter' which does a similar job for the larger clubs on television, lists goals, half time, attendances, red cards, and full time whistles from the top four levels of non-league football (some 254 teams) as they happen. It does this smoothly and silently each match day, regardless of how worked up and emotional its audience is. It is an amazing achievement, especially considering that there is no live media coverage of any sort for the majority of the matches it is covering.

The Internet revolution has transformed the experience of following a non-league football club, and this is most evident on these painful match days when you are not attending. Less than a decade ago if you missed a match you would have had no choice but to find something to take your mind off the subject until you could find out what happened (at least a few hours later or probably the next day). Fathers and husbands around the country probably spent the time with their families, or engaged in some edifying activity such as gardening or reading a book. Due to the bounty of technology, however, we can now spend this time hunched in front of a computer screen chewing on our nails. Progress.

As I said, Mrs Nedved had a committee meeting she was holding at our house at 8 pm. Through careful child-management I was able to get both boys into bed by 7:40, five minutes before kick-off. I had myself pretty worked up - we really needed at least a point from our visit to Havant & Waterlooville, but I was worried that the 'Hawks' were showing much more form than the pre-season surveys had suggested. Two seasons ago Havant managed to get to the fourth round of the FA Cup and drew Liverpool away - the non-league equivalent of winning the lottery (with the powerball!). Through prize money, their share of the gates, and television earnings the club earned an estimated £750,000. All the pundits tipped them to run away with the league last year because of this, but they finished a mysterious fifteenth. Although no one was talking about them before this season, early reports are that they may be feeling the effect of that cash injection a year later than expected. Seven points from a possible nine was impressive, and better than City's record. Despite all of that, City would surely want to keep the momentum of the previous two matches going and at least come away from the match with something.

In the first half hour things looked bleak. Sean was reporting that the Hawks were really dominating play, and their new signing, Manny Williams, scored a goal at seven minutes into the match.

Reading about City losing with only a computer screen to look at is an excruciating process. I would much rather watch them lose live and in person. On the computer the bad news comes suddenly and out of context. Your mind, trying to make sense of the information, is in a state of shock. It tries to comes up with all sorts of scenarios to explain the news, but none of them satisfy. The only thing a sane person can do, and sanity at this point is already being pushed to the limit, is stare even harder at the screen, hoping this will force an update carrying better news to appear.

In this instance the starring worked. As my wife's fellow committee persons began to assemble downstairs word appeared from Sean that City was playing more aggressively. No goals came before the half, but having seen City's fightback in Chelmsford I knew they were up to coming back from a goal down.

Once half time was finished I began to get the BBC i-player loaded up in order to listen to Caroline Barker's Non League Show that is broadcast on Monday nights at 9pm on BBC London. It is a good source of Non League news, something that is not always easy to come by the way the Premiership dominates the sports media. Luck was in because Caroline had a reporter at West Leigh Park, so for a few precious minutes I was actually hearing ambient noise from the match itself. Not much happened while he was on the air except a City player got a yellow card, but for a brief moment I felt an irrational surge of excitement.

The news from Sean continued to be positive. The meeting downstairs continued in a manner that gave me confidence I would be able to follow the match to its conclusion undisturbed. Then, all hell broke loose.

I must have concentrated on the digital reports a bit too much because unbeknownst to me the meeting had in fact finished and everyone had left. Whoever heard of a meeting that only lasts forty-five minutes, anyway? Mrs Nedved calls up, 'Is the computer free now?' Disaster! Saying 'no' would be risky. This is the same Mrs Nedved who's blessing I need to go to the Saturday match against Hampton & Richmond Borough, and annoying her with Bath City stuff could bias her against this. After making a quick, Richelieu-like calculation, I said 'yes.' Just as the words left my mouth, though, important news from Sean appeared: an excellent cross from Darren Edwards had connected with Mark Badman who put the ball in the net. City were level!

I punched the air, silently, and tried to compose myself. Mrs Nedved would not want to see me acting like an imbecile, no matter how understandable it might be in such a situation. Then, as I heard her ascending on the stairs, Sean sent through a cryptic update: 'Bath City penalty.'

Was this a penalty for City? Or against it? Or maybe I had misunderstood Sean's previous update and the goal from Edwards and Badman was a penalty? I waited eagerly, pretending it was no trouble to open a new window for Yahoo mail, and walked away from the computer none the wiser. As I did this I could hear the sound of the computer working hard to process some data - exactly the noise it makes when an update from Sean is coming through!

Just then my phone began to vibrate furiously with incoming texts. 'Who's texting you?' she asks. I don't know actually. I'm having trouble concentrating at this point to be honest. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' I ask weakly.

Down in the kitchen I fumble with my phone and find a text from a colleague at work. He is a Swindon Town fan, but by glorious providence, had chosen that moment to see what the score was for the Bath City match and to text it to me! He had never done this before, but chose just the right moment to start. 'Bath 2 -1 H & W, get in there,' he wrote. Then a moment later I get further commentary on the scoreline: '2 goals in two minutes, just need to hang on, City going up!!!!!'

I managed to make the cup of tea and spill less than half of it on my journey up the stairs. Mrs Nedved was furiously typing out emails. Being a perceptive person, and of a kind nature, she senses the distress I am trying to hide. 'Do you want to look at the Bath City page?' I gave her a half-mumbled answer and lunged for the mouse. Yes, it was true. City lead 2-1 with minutes to go.

As she returns to her emails I tried to text my colleague to ask for more help. I say 'try' because the message I meant to type was, 'Wife has tied up the computer so keep the texts coming.' What I actually sent to my puzzled friend (thanks to predictive text and a lack of concentration) was, 'Bomb has tied us the computer so keep the texts congo.' Just as I was pressing 'send,' another text came in: 'S***, 2-2'

Mrs Nedved was finished moments later, but there was no further change in score to get updates about. The game finished with two goals each. Conflicting voices filled my cloudy head. 'You said you would be happy with a point, and that's what you got. Be happy.' 'Yeah, but if City had gotten all three points they would have been in third!' 'Yes, but they were a good side and' ........blah, blah, blah. Time for a distraction.

Fortunately I don't drink.