City Host a Stag Party!

Before the FA Cup draw for the Fourth (and final) Qualifying Round was announced yesterday I had a sinking feeling that we were going to draw Eastleigh. Bath City had had two fortunate draws in a row: Willand Rovers, who play three leagues below City, and Bishop's Cleeve, who play two below. It seemed unlikely that fate would smile on us for a third time. With Newport County having been eliminated by the lowly Paulton Rovers (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh stop it!), Eastleigh's goonish, elbow-happy giants seemed the most likely bogey team to be cast our way as payback for our recent good fortune. If not, then Dover Athletic, Hayes & Yeading or Hampton & Richmond could also provide equally unattractive opposition. After a nervous morning drinking too many cups of tea and checking the FA website every five minutes, the results of the draw finally appeared.

AFC Totton! At Home! I was thrilled. I went round the office punching the air. AFC Totton! I mentioned it to everyone. I mentioned it to my colleagues who hate football just so I could hear myself say it again. 'Did you know that City drew AFC Totton in the next round of the FA Cup?' They would just roll their eyes and nod vaguely (and of course they did know because I had just asked them the same question five minutes previously). AFC Totton!

I was so pleased, of course, because AFC Totton (the Stags) was one of the lowest ranked teams remaining in the competition. That should, in theory, make them easier to beat than a higher ranked team. I say 'in theory' because this is often not how it works out, as in the recent case of Newport County's loss to Paulton Rovers (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, mercy!). City will still go into the round as strong favourites, however, and you can't ask for more than that.

AFC Totton are in the same league as City's opponents in the last round, Bishop's Cleeve. The league's current name is the 'Zamaretto League Division 1 South & West.' This is a league City fans are becoming increasingly familiar with as we will now have played three of its teams inside a month. You may be wondering what a 'Zamaretto League' is when it is at home, so let's take a moment to explain.

The lower leagues of the non-league pyramid often forgo their traditional names in order to pick up a bit of sponsorship money. The 'Zamaretto League' is actually the Southern League, which has been playing since 1894 and which Bath City have been champions of three times (most recently in 2007, when it was known by the rather dreary title 'British Gas Business League'). Previous to this it was known as the Doc Martens League and the Beazer Homes League. None of these names are as wacky as the current one, though. Sensing that there was an untapped market for flavoured amaretto drinks (as in more than just the normal sweet almond flavour), InterContinental Brands (ICB) have released eight new flavoured concoctions spiked with day-glow food colouring. These are (and you might want to sit down to read this): Blue Raspberry, Banana, Cherry, Apple, Pear, Peach, Chocolate and Original. Sensing that Banana flavoured amaretto is just the sort of tipple the pie-and-chips-loving non-league football crowds would fancy, ICB took over the sponsorship deal as British Gas moved out. The people who came up with Dasani tap water and Crystal Pepsi had nothing on these guys.

The other odd thing about the Zamaretto League Division One South & West is that it isn't truthfully a 'division one.' The top level of the Zamaretto League is the Premier Division. Below that are Division One Midlands and Division One South & West. There is nothing below either of these (in other words, no division two). It is hard to think of what the point of having a division one is without a division two. Perhaps there were some clubs that were especially thin skinned and someone thought they would feel better if they were placed in 'Division One.' Despite their apparent sensitivity, however, three clubs from the Division One South & West remain in the FA Cup: AFC Totton, Mangotsfield United, and Paulton Rovers (who recently defeated Bath City's rivals Newport County - ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh lordy!).

Despite their league's silly name, City will need to take Totton seriously. As I write this the news of their eleventh victory on the trot has come in. And, surprisingly, Totten supporters have generally reacted to the news of the draw with as much jubilation as I did. I suppose it could have been worse for them. 'Dibden Stag' wrote on the AFC Totton forum:

This is a good draw and a game we can win, Bath's current form isn't too good, 3 wins 4 draws and 5 losses in the Conference South. They beat Bishops Cleeve away 4-1 in the last round, the same score we beat them by, so I think we have a good chance of making the first round.

The bad news for Dibden Stag, and the good news for City fans, is that City have been giving textbook lessons on how to defeat lower league teams in their first two appearances in the Cup. With £12,500 in prize money up for grabs manager Adie Britton will be pulling out all of the stops for a win in front of the Twerton Park faithful. He won't be making the same mistakes Dean Holdsworth recently made with his Newport County side in Saturday's loss to Paulton Rovers (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, it hurts now!).

Well, I hope not, anyway.

Come on City!